Love Doesn’t Always Win, But Truth Does

I fucked things up pretty bad recently. I killed my relationship of the last seven months. Now I’m grieving its death. It hurts. A lot. I feel lost. Hopeless. Scared. Alone. And empty. Left wondering what could have been. Why would I do this? To myself? To her? To us?

Since relationships always have two perspectives; I can only tell my own. And it needs to be told for several reasons:

1. More people need to be open and vulnerable about how much they’re struggling inside; it helps to inspire and give permission to share, connect and validate each other. Self-induced sabotaging is a psychological tactic for masking unprocessed emotional stuff and affects many people; so talking about it is an act of healing and transmutation.
2. As a man on an enlightened path of personal growth and discovery, I am aware (based on my relationship and dating history) that my beliefs and ideologies about gender (fervent gender equity), and how they manifest in a relationship, are uncommon. People need to know how a complex man who tends to exhibit many stereotypical feminine attributes experiences being in a heterosexual relationship. And in particular, this most recent relationship where traditional, stereotypical gender roles were frequently reversed. People, especially men, can and should not be expected to carry the shield of stoicism and close themselves off to their feelings; particularly those of inadequacy, uncertainty, fear, and purposeless. I will be writing more about this in another piece.
3. Stories of enacting personal accountability and responsibility by owning outcomes originating in reptilian-based reactions need to be shared, without shame, especially by men, as we are conditioned to externalize our feelings and therefore our accountability.

This piece is not so much about the relationship itself; it’s about how a relationship, if you allow it, if both people agree to it being used in this manner, can become a sharply focused and powerful spotlight into the deepest self; specifically the parts of the self that have been hidden away, suppressed, and avoided. It’s about how I tried to work on my shit while in the relationship.

I love being in a relationship. I enjoy the companionship, the little, daily sharing of details is something I really enjoy; it builds intimacy. I enjoy anticipating someone’s needs and performing acts of service. I think I’m an attentive and fun partner. One thing I’ve figured out, including two marriages, is how to reorient misunderstandings and hurt feelings away from futile fighting. With each relationship I can see my growth and my ability to be more present. Yet, just when I thought I had relationships figured out, I met a woman who changed the whole game. And I pretty much became a beginner again. Everything got turned upside down.

The relationship was a huge gift. I believe the Universe brought us together to teach each other critical things. This woman changed my life forever in a profound way. She showed me the world. She opened her life to me in a foreign country. We traveled internationally together. We lived richly and big together. She, simply by just being who she is, how she lives her life — intensely and purposefully — drew out many of my unresolved issues. While I was in simultaneous awe of this powerful, independent, cultured, well-traveled, intelligent and attractive woman — I was also presented with frequent bouts of shadow reflections that often placed me in emotional distress. We spoke of this duality, the resonance and shadow reflection dynamic, often; as I drew out many of her issues as well.

We were and are at different points in our lives, at least that’s what we told each other. We felt this mirroring dynamic was a mutually beneficial bonus to our relationship; which ultimately became too much for us to bear. We wondered at what point does the shadow reflection become overwhelming? That point is completely subjective and is cloaked in, what I see now, abject fear.

Because it wasn’t about the differences; they were a convenient excuse to explain why the relationship needed to end. We should have been looking at the similarities. Beyond all the similar things that brought us together in the first place — a love for travel, design, coffee, adventure, achieving peace — we overlooked the greatest similarity of all: our mutual fear. The fear of allowing ourselves to be mirrors to each other; to witness each other, to support the other on own journeys from opposite extremes towards a more balanced middle ground.

Our love for each other wasn’t enough to counteract the powerful forces of uncertainty and fear. Rather than help one another enter deeper realms of personal growth opportunity, for our own reasons — some conscious and others unconscious — neither of us were able to act in the truest form of love — which is acceptance. We were both unable to accept certain facets of the other.

Now I must live with my actions and forgive myself for letting go of a great love. And process a truckload of post-relationship issues; which were all mostly present during the relationship as well. This relationship, more than any others in my past, provided me with endless opportunities to work on my shadow side.

It exposed years of unprocessed shit in an intense, accelerated manner, where I often felt the emotional pain of inadequacy, jealously, envy, and acute directionless-ness. Most of which I took on to investigate and deal with, sometimes kicking and screaming, and some of which I simply could not handle thus leading to the relationship’s demise. And on top of all that, these two weeks post-breakup I’ve been seduced by another layer of fear surrounding the processing of this loss — where I get stuck in a loop thinking about what I gave up, feeling deep pangs of missing, and catching myself romanticizing these past months.

Since 2012 I’ve been on a spiritual path of personal growth following a ‘spiritual awakening’ borne from a crumbling marriage and years of soul searching. Since then I’ve adopted, in a sort of masochist way, welcoming, inviting, and the fabricating of opportunities for intense and rapid personal growth by placing myself in fairly radical situations to accelerate my inner work.

To push myself into the amorphous middle of the Zone of Uncertainty™ (ZoU) where I continuously get to test my grit, my resilience; where I claim, preferably in the moment, but sometimes after the fact, 100% accountability and responsibility for my actions. Where I have become my own living experiment, using travel — which continuously assaults all of my senses — and relationships, to investigate my beliefs and learn the practices of presence, letting go, surrender, and stillness.

In particular, two years ago, I went through a set of closely spaced crises (within a month) that sent me into deep pain and sorrow — a second divorce, the uncovering of infidelity just after the divorce, and the death of my dog in my arms — which propelled me to my life as it is now. Selling my home, my possessions, my car, leaving my community, my country, and my family to become an intentionally homeless wanderer traveling internationally without a guidebook. A lifestyle of extremes; one that is exhilarating yet often isolating and alienating.

My nomadic lifestyle by itself is already a massive personal growth accelerant. Now double that because this personal growth hyper-speed rocket ship hurdling into my inner space involves simultaenously traveling and relationship-ing. Each on their own is rife with growth opportunities and together they formed a tsunami of hidden, unprocessed stuff that I’ve been paddling frantically to stay ahead of. So much so, that I became overwhelmed with fear and made the choice to let go of the relationship — which, as I’m now experiencing, has further magnified all of shit I need work on. Thank you, Universe.

Everything is in question, including this nomad lifestyle. I’m so deep in middle of the ZoU that it’s difficult to see anything at all. What do I know is that I am singularly focused on reconnecting to, reinforcing, and reawakening my distorted lack of value; to myself and to others.

Underneath it all, I have to trust that my intuition knows best. My connection with Infinite Intelligence guided me, despite my fear or because of my fear, to a decision that, at least for now, is best. Thank goodness I’m functionally delusional; I’m aware enough, strong enough, and loving enough to progress and move forward despite my tendency to hold on to bogus beliefs for longer than needed.

Speaking of bogus beliefs, let me be clear about this popular breakup rationalization; it’s not that in ending a relationship ‘you’re letting someone go’ or ‘setting them free’. That’s ridiculous. You’re letting go of your expectation that someone will be different; that they will change for you into what you want. You’re letting go of a person who does not match your idealized version of the person you want, or the idealized picture in your head of what a relationship is supposed to look like. You’re letting go of your fear to be alone. You’re letting go of your desire to control another person. It’s being accountable for your shit — not theirs.

While parts of my life are in flux, including re-awakening my mission and focusing on my value, one thing is absolutely, perfectly clear. I want to share my life with another person. I want a life partner, not only to travel with, but more importantly, to explore the unending depths of intimacy with, my own issues with, and their issues with me.

I don’t believe people need to do all of their work before they can be in a relationship. Our ‘work’ is never-ending so one might as do it in the presence of another, especially when both people can provide support to the each other through their respective journeys and all the while nourish the relationship itself. And while I live my life in unconventional, out-the-box ways and self-identify as a rebel, I am a traditional monogamist. So knowing this is both a significant point of clarity and feels akin to locating a pebble in the ocean.

This nomad lifestyle is fraught with complications for establishing and maintaining relationships, especially a romantic relationship. Relationships begin and flourish based on proximity. A favorite book by Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D entitled Love 2.0, reframes love from neurological, physiological, spiritual, and biological perspectives that challenges everything you think you know about love. She states “physical presence is key to love” and that:

“a moment of positivity resonance [love], by definition, involves considerable mirroring at three different levels: You and the other person mirror the positivity in each other’s emotional state; you mirror each other’s gestures and biochemistry; and you mirror each other’s impulse to care for one another.”

This is very difficult to find, no less cultivate as a solo traveler; being in different places every few days or weeks, trying to find places where travelers are, trying to find community — I didn’t realize going into this lifestyle how unbelievably teeny, tiny the pool is for suitable partners.

Now, more than ever, I need to turn boldly toward the ZoU. To trust this process. To welcome the waves of pain that are only now beginning to lessen from these last couple weeks. To focus on rebuilding myself. To not be afraid of the tsunami bearing down on me but rather make a conscious choice to surf it; to integrate with it and use its energy, coupled with my own, to propel me to relinquishing beliefs that hold me back from unfiltered love, from inner freedom, from connection, and from self-acceptance.

And at the same time, I turn boldly towards love. Towards the potential of new love. Towards possibility. Towards sharing the specialness of who I am with another person.

#LoveMoreHurtLess